Journal Entry

May 21,2022

Something like this puts your entire belief system into question. It’s like who you thought you were. What mom you thought you were. What family you thought you had. Nothing is as it was. It’s like the rug got pulled out from under you. You question everything. Your confidence is out the window. It’s like the world is there. Still spinning. But you aren’t in it anymore. My shadow is there. Or a shell of me but I’m somewhere else. Whoever I am now. A separate world from the rest. The world is like an Amtrak flying by at 80 and I’m running to jump on but can’t. At moments I can join the land of the living. For brief increments of time I force myself to be present and “in the moment” for my people. But I’m quickly whisked away back to another universe. Where my thoughts are constantly of Truman. Everything gets tied to him. Even things that have nothing to do with him suddenly have some connection or I make one up. I’m so afraid of living in the world without him. The thought that this world exists without him terrifies me. My family and I are the only thing that keeps his memory here. Major events keep happening. Things we all looked forward to. Things he knew about. Some of the happiest moments of our lives are happening but they are impossible to live through without him here with us.

The crowds have slimmed. The world has slowly started back up for even our closest people but for me I’m not even close. I can’t figure out how to get going. How to start up. I’ve robotically started up a few daily tasks. Just going through the motions. I’ve talked myself into just “showing” up. That’s all you have to do. But I’m just physically there. My shadow. My shell. I’m not really there. The laundry gets started blindly. The counselor says I’m only responsible for “the next right thing.” Nothing is “right” here. I just want to scream NO as loud as I can and constantly. This is fucked.

-Truman’s mom 💙💞💙