Journal Entry

Loss hits differently every day. How does that work? Like your brain processes the depth of the loss or different layers of the loss everyday. They are all different. Today, I’m back to the first days. Just the disbelief. How can it be that I will never see him again. How is this real? I can’t absorb it. Like at all. But each day comes at a different level. Never making it through one step to graduate to the next. Never a successful journey through a stage with the a sense of accomplishment. Just breathing through a phase only to hit the next impossible one. Just surviving days. Some days devastating and some days crushing. I read it’s trauma. Your brain protects itself because processing all of this at once would kill you. You’d snap. It’s too much for a person to handle so the brain puts you in a fog. Sometimes in a numbness and allows a little bit of reality in at a time. I feel that. But once your brain processes it it’s not like you’ve graduated through that. It will still come back and bite you in the ass just because. I can’t put into words how much I miss Truman. Every day that goes by I miss him more. Everyday I store up more and more Truman love. Where do I put that? My shattered heart is full of love for Truman. I need him.