Journal Entry

Truman

I read a quote.

UNTIL IT'S GONE

Some people don't know what they have until it's gone.

But what about the ones who do know? The ones who never took a damn thing for granted? Who tried their hardest to

hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most. Isn't it so much worse for them?

-LANG LEAV

I knew what I had. I was so proud of each one of us. The love and life we had together. The direction we were all headed. I was proud everyday and thankful. I knew what I had.

It occurred to me that when you grow up you live “your” life. You make decisions based on what’s best for you. What makes the most sense for you. When you have children your purpose shifts. You no longer do what’s best for you. Instead you do what’s best for your child. Your direction and purpose changes. So much of a parent’s life is lived for their children mostly unknown or not fully understood by the children. Meanwhile, the children love their parents but don’t live with the same direction and purpose. Maybe love on a different level. So I don’t think that parents love their children more than children love their parents but it’s different. A parent’s is deeper. More knowing. More awareness. A bond with their souls. I don’t think children make decisions understanding the full impact of their actions. How the things they do, even little choices, impact the world around them and more importantly their parents and immediate family.

I know you made this choice for you. Whether you were able to think through it entirely or not it was made without a full understanding of the impact this would have on the world around you. You didn’t know how much I would cry. That every cell in my body would silently scream all day. It’s a silent, painful, tormenting scream that’s trapped inside. No one can hear it unless I physically make a sound but even then, hearing its sadness and agony, you still aren’t capable of even fathoming how it feels. I hope no more parents ever have to know what that feels like.

I read a parent perspective about their situation.

“A parent gets clarity:

When our adult son ended his life, I was so angry at him. “He didn’t have to do this,” I said again and again. “He had many other alternatives.” But now I see that, yes, he did have other alternatives, but he also had the alternative of suicide. That was an alternative. Certainly not the alternative I would have chosen, but it was his choice. He thought that by killing himself he could be free of whatever trauma he was living in his life. Therefore, I have to respect that even if I don’t agree with it. Somehow, it seems releasing just to say that our son made a decision based on the best thinking he was able to do at the time. And, while we wish with everything in us that his decision had been different, it was for our son at that moment the decision that seemed the best to him.”

I read that and hope that at some point I can accept that. So far I can’t. I know it was your choice. An alternative definitely. Not one I would have ever chosen for you. I hope that I can accept that it was your choice. Right now I can’t help but think and know in my bones that you were wrong. So, I’m not accepting yet.

PS. I’ve never been angry at you. You are my sweet boy who just couldn’t make it out of a very serious moment. This isn’t who you are. My heart breaks for you. I’m angry I wasn’t there to help you through it. But never angry at you. I love you and miss you with every stitch of my being.

-Truman’s mom 💙💞💙