Journal Entry

June 11, 2022

Its been 10 weeks tomorrow since you left us. I know you didn’t leave “me.” I know this was about you but I’m stuck. Ive always been your caretaker. Your chef. Your counselor. Your chauffeur. Your friend. Your momma. When you were struggling why didn’t you lean on me? Why did you choose to leave me? Im struggling to get going. Anything that resembles our old life is impossible. That life is gone. But any sort of new life feels like a betrayal. How can I live a life without you? A perfect soul I created and nurtured? Our house is almost like a time capsule. Aside from random daily newness it remains untouched. We live here in some creation of a daily life but so much remains unchanged. I NEED it to stay the same from the last moment I had you. From when your heart stopped and mine kept beating. The dinner board still has the last dinner I cooked for you written on it. The cottage cheese container still sits on your desk from that last night when you didn’t want the much I made you to go to waste. Your lunch box and shoes still sit where you left them the last time you came home from work. Your towel still hangs in the bathroom next to your toothbrush and deodorant. Your deodorant still one of your armpit hairs on it. I remember when you were so proud to grow them. Your dirty laundry still sits on your bedroom floor. The Easter basket I bought you is on your desk chair. The last gift I bought you that you weren’t here to see. Truman I miss you so bad. I cry for you with so much love spilling out of my being that you have to be able to feel it. It feels so powerful that you have to be able to feel it through every universe or dimension Or whatever! It’s too strong to not.

My core is empty. My identity is gone. My soul is deeply wounded. My spirit wanders lost looking for a purpose. I will forever search for the deep connection that binds our souls together.

-Truman’s mom 💙💞💙