Journal Entry

June 15,2022

“Trust me when I say that “Even my good days are harder than you could ever imagine.”

-Narin Grewal

Truman-

Tomorrow is Trinity’s graduation. Yet another milestone you are supposed to be here for. I need you here. She needs you here. Natalee needs you here. Your dad needs you here.

I can’t believe this is my life. I still can’t believe it! I’ve made things happen. They say “manifest your destiny!” “You can have anything in life if you work hard enough for it!” “They” haven’t lost a child. I wasn’t building THIS destiny. And I can’t manifest what I need now. I was working my ass off for some other life. A life that doesn’t even seem like my own anymore. And no matter how hard I work my ass off I can’t get back to you. I hate this life for you. I hate this life for us!

Who am I? I’ve tied so much of who I really am into being a mom. Being your mom. Being Natalee’s mom. Being Trinity’s mom. I am still your mom but this has changed me. I’m not sure who I am now but I am a mom who has lost a child. That is very much part of who I am now. Part of my new identity. I know that much.

I bet you’ve never noticed how the English language falls short. There are no words that describe this life or these feelings accurately. We also use so many words “literally” but not really. This. This right here is “unbelievable!” But that word gets overused. Used so much in context that isn’t literal so it doesn’t carry as much weight as it should. This is unbelievable. And that statement should be overwhelming. But it’s not.

The closest word I’ve found for some of my feeling is Portuguese. They say the word saudade. It is described as a sad state of intense longing for someone or something that is absent. That feels like the rest of my life.

Also, I miss you in French is “tu me manque” which translates to “you are missing from me.” Which makes way more sense.

Grief is invisible. It just sits inside. Sometimes it rages up and spills out. Sometimes it just sits quietly slowing consuming you from the inside out. When people see you out and you smile they think you’re ok. They need you to be ok so they don’t feel uncomfortable. They want you to feel better so they feel better about going on with their normal life. It’s a relief to them.

I hear so much about the “new normal.” I assume it gradually changes over the course of your life but right now my new normal is constantly walking around on the edge of panic. Just waiting for that next wave to consume me. For that grief to rage up and spill out.

I hate this new normal. I was thrown into this life that I hate. And I feel guilty for hating it because of who is still here. Somehow I need to find my way back to loving 👈🏼 , loosely using that word, loving my life even though you are missing from me. I love you more that you could ever imagine!

-Truman’s mom 💙💞💙