Journal Entry
- tannab3
- Jul 8, 2022
- 2 min read
July 8, 2022
I’m a happy person by nature. Usually very chipper and energetic.
I have positive things in my life even now. My children. My future grandchild. My family. But none of those can shine through this loss. So the devastation of loss, the guilt, the torment, compiled in with the guilt of why the living people in my life, the things that make it worth living for, can’t shine through. This must be depression. Is this why I didn’t shine through in Truman’s mind? He was so consumed with whatever was going on his mind? Maybe he even felt guilty about it but it didn’t matter? We didn’t shine through for him. My love wasn’t enough?
Now more guilt! How did this happen with my own boy under my own roof. I’ve only ever wanted to be the the best mom in the world. Love him more than anyone ever could in this world! Somehow I failed. Was I so consumed trying to build my own life? Trying to figure out who I was since my kids were so close to taking off into their owns lives. I was worried I was going to be left behind with nothing. So I started building a life I could have when they started their own. I missed it. I didn’t think I was consumed with it but I must have been.
But I read-
“You can’t prevent what you can’t predict.”
Will that help?
Definition of survive- to continue to exist , especially in spite of danger or hardship.
Definition of to live- have an exciting or fulfilling life.
My goal is to live.
We are surviving though. Just that seems a dishonor to Truman. Shouldn’t I have died along side my child? The cruelest thing in the world, other than a parent losing a child, is to find out that you can actually survive it. It feels wrong. Nothing feels right.
BUT…..
I can’t live like this. My heart knows what it feels like to be literally broken. My being knows what it feels like to be lost and scared. This is more than anyone can actually handle and then the worry for your husband or children staying on the right side of this journey? To help someone else during the toughest time of their life, while you struggle with existing in the toughest time of your life? All I can say some days is FUCK!
It was a mistake. Not a choice. It was a mistake! Not a choice!!
Take me back.
Oh, and hey, besides all the tenderness. I also say FUCK, FUCK and FUCK. because it's the only word I can come up with. So there. And it feels good.
This is such a tender and painstaking picture/post. I'm sure all of us mothers reading and witnessing your loss see these pictures and memories as universal. Who could imagine our hopeful spirits, lifting up these little humans, may some day be crushed by tragedy and unexpected loss?? Surely you don't see that in our faces?? And that is what makes the grief so aching. Thank you for sharing this image that reminds us of the temporary, blessed and cursed by innocence.
I hate all of this for all of you. I’ve always said hate is a very strong word. I don’t care. I HATE this!