Journal Entry August 14, 2022

My birthday is approaching. In years past I would get so excited. I felt I needed a birthday month! I looked forward to it so much. I get so excited for people’s days. A time to celebrate, go out to eat, and have a drink. Buy them something and enjoy watching them open it.

This year….. how do you look forward to something denied to one of your kids. How do I look forward to a whole new year when I know the devastation and pain that will come along with it? I feel guilty for living! How do I celebrate time passing with happiness? I’m so dreading my once special day.

I have a beautiful family. Children entering into a new phase of their lives. A grandchild on the way. A different phase for Jeremy and I…. AND I’m stuck in deep depression. I have things to love and be happy for. And I am. But this grief is all consuming. A blanket of darkness has fallen over my entire life. I feel it’s weight constantly. But I welcome it in a way. It can stay as long as it needs to. Forever probably.

In this new life the sun still shines with warmth and radiance. The wind still blows and the clouds still rain just as they did before he left. There is beauty and joy in this world along side sadness and sorrow just as there was before. But the world feels different. Like hearing your native language but the once familiar words don’t make sense anymore. It’s like hearing someone from another language pretending to speak English.

I’ve been touched by grief before but the gash it inflicts lessens or deepens   depending on your proximity and relationship to it. You expect to one day lose your parents, grandparents, possibly your siblings, spouse and friends. The gash isn’t any less serious. Just different. You aren’t supposed to lose your child. Out of order deaths are traumatic. When they choose to leave it adds a layer of complexity to it. The deeper the gash the longer the healing time. Some wounds don’t ever heal over. The loss of a child isn’t something you heal from. You carry the weight of this tragic loss for the remainder of your days. Some carry the tremendous load differently than others but believe me it’s just as heavy to all of us parents.

Don’t try and take my pain away. Don’t tell me you wish you could take my pain away. It’s all I have left of Truman and I will allow it to seep into every crevice of my being. He belongs there now. Don’t try to fix this or take it away from us. This is our journey. Just sit beside us and support us on the road. Let us be sad and crushed. He means that much to us. This loss is full of sorrow and devastation. One day we will laugh and experience joy but in our own time. Don’t rush us. Don’t take any part of it away and don’t try to fix it either. It’s a path most turn away from. If you are uncomfortable with watching how terrible this is then either get comfortable with being uncomfortable or leave and allow someone else to take your seat. Someone that will be here for everything. The good. The bad and the ugly. And you will celebrate in our joy when we find it again. We appreciate all the love and support we get. And we are looking forward to a day we can all laugh together again. Enjoy time together again. Thank you for being here. Or for leaving.

-Truman’s mom 💞💙💞