Journal Entry August 24, 2022

How will I live the rest my life and not be on the edge of panic in the face of your absence? My feelings overwhelm me. Consume me. Constantly. I can’t fathom how I will live 50 more years without you. How will I find calm? I don’t see how it’s possible. This isn’t fair. I never wanted this.

I had to hold your sister the other night, literally hold her together as her body frantically rejected everything this new life is. Hold her together as her already broken soul shattered even more. Do you know what that’s like? To try and hold someone together as they get consumed by grief? Truman, we need you. I need you. This is too hard. This hurts too much. I feel like my soul has left my body. It’s somewhere else frantically searching for you so that our souls can be reunited once more. For eternity this time.

You took so much of me when you left. If it was part of me though why can’t i feel it? If part of my being is with you I should feel some sort of comfort like I’m with you but I feel hollow. Crushed. Devastated and hopeless. I’m still in disbelief. This can’t be my life. This can’t be yours. I need to go back.

How do I live this life without burdening your soul with my sorrow? I have so much pain and wishes and regret and longing. I don’t want to burden your soul with that but I can’t help it. How do I keep that with me without you feeling that too? I’m sorry. Your soul was burdened here. You did this to free it and now I’m placing mine onto your soul.