Journal Entry July 24, 2022

He is real. He is my son! He is gone but damn it he is mine! He is real! He was here…. I can’t figure it out. He was physically mine one moment and then gone in an instant. No more hugs. No more talk. I can’t help him now. But I could have…. I was robbed of my motherly duty. Every move we make as parents. Every decision we make is to keep our kids healthy and safe. I worried about everything in the world that could harm my children. Drive safe. Be careful. Watch out for that. I worried about my kids and the world! I never worried about my kids with themselves. We had so much love here. We had so much laughter here. I just can’t figure it out.

I feel like Meredith Gray in Grays Anatomy, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” Don’t choose that darkness. But I can’t take it back. I can’t fix this. I could have fixed anything. But this? This! We can’t help this. It’s done. It’s over. He made the choice and we all have to live with it. He just didn’t know the impact. The lives that would be altered! And even though it was his choice, I don’t blame him. That darkness came in and swallowed him up. He couldn’t see past with those blinders on. It didn’t matter that beautiful life that sat right next to him. Right there to follow him through his years. Family, love, marriage, kids. Our future. Our future that will never happen. I’ll never see the Unk he was going to be. I’ll never see the husband he could have been. The Dad he could have been! I’ll never see the brother he was going to be throughout the girls’ lives. The vacations we were going to take. The everyday things. Pouring coffee next to him every morning. Waving at him as he left or came home. The hugs, the love. It’s gone. That darkness robbed him from his beautiful future. From me! Fuck depression. The minds it twists up. He thought he didn’t belong here. You belong here buddy. With me. You are mine. But that darkness took you. Made you believe it. It lied to you. Made it sound real. But we are real.

We love you. We miss you.

I miss you

Your death has left a gaping hole in the hearts of everyone who has loved you.

And I need you. My soul needs you. I’m lost

-Your Momma

💙💞💙