Journal Entry Sept 11

Where am I at? Emotionally? Physically? How am I?

I feel like if I try and stay busy I can keep it at an arms length at times but even that comes at a nasty price. Guilt. Pent up emotions. I feel like it’s easier to focus on something that doesn’t revolve around Truman constantly but then I worry that if I don’t constantly try to process it then I’m causing it to bite me later? Or is that what coping with grief is? Do you just try not think about it and eventually you are more successful at deflecting your pain? Until you allow it to overcome your whole being? I don’t understand this life. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do! I’m just rudderless lost at sea. Barely surviving.

It’s been 5 months. 166 days without him. 166 days of crying. 166 days of constantly being ripped to shreds from the inside out. 166 days I haven’t made his lunch, washed his clothes, heard his voice, felt his hugs, made him laugh, ate dinner with him, touch his hair and felt his love. 166 days of fearing for my family’s future. 166 of breaking inside even more for my children’s grief, lives and their futures.  166 days of worrying for the future for Jeremy. 166 days of a raging battle inside my mind and my soul.

This isn’t easy. As a matter of fact it’s excruciatingly hard and painful. Waiting for the day to end at the same time fearing for another day to end. I haven’t seen my boy for 166 days!! 50 more years?! No thank you!