Journal March 2, 2023

At first Truman’s absence enveloped everything. Every moment. Every thought. I couldn’t think of myself, my children or my husband let alone anything else in this world.  It was paralyzing. The world. Time. It all was stuck. Everything felt crushed and overwhelming. And slowly things unfroze.  My relationships slowly returning to what they once were. I have connections with Jeremy that Truman didn’t have anything to do with. I have deep connections with my girls that is special to each girl individually. I am myself with them and we have our connections back. My personal close relationships with my family and friends are slowly getting back. I almost believed people when they said “this baby will be so good for you guys.” Like they have a sigh of relief because good things are happening in our disastrous life so our grief will be over or it will be like salve to a wound. But that’s not true. I will have deep love and an important connection with Theo but his presence doesn’t make this grief easier. Good things that happen in our life have nothing to do with my loss. Bad things that happen in my life don’t make missing Truman worse. My loss and my grief just is. It can’t be helped. Not even a baby. Just like have a great husband and beautiful, amazing daughters doesn’t make missing Truman easier. Good things will happen and we are grateful, but in no way does it make things easier or better.

The other night my girls were home with their boyfriends, Jeremy and I were comfortably together on the couch and we had just had dinner. My house was full and our bellies were full. Something that should provide me with profound comfort. And it does, but it comes with a terrible longing. He should be here. He should be in my house, just having had dinner. Hanging out with friends. Anticipating his nephews arrival. It was a good night. A great night, but it will always have a cloud of desperation for "what should be" hanging over it. Good things are good. But they aren’t a solution. Theo is a blessing and will fill our lives with love, but he won’t make this better. I will always be haunted with the memory of my boy. Constantly thinking “he should be here,” “your uncle would have loved you,” “ he would have had so much fun with this.”

It’s just another way my heart is breaking as it’s trying to mend.