Journal Oct 2, 2022
- tannab3
- Oct 2, 2022
- 2 min read
I want a blissfully ignorant life. I don’t want to know this. I don’t want to know how it feels. I don’t want to live this day after day for the rest of my life.
To know what it’s like to lose a child. Waking up each morning with that feeling, that same flash, that painful reminder. Trying to survive days. Trying to heal. Trying to love. Trying to just be.
“Time is a fickle thing.” Your life flashes in an instant. The kids' childhoods. Your loving family. Then your world stops… Your time stands still. The world moves on but your days drag and drag. The fun times, the loving times flash. The misery is slow and tortuous.
This is confusing. Everything about it. Unbelievable. Which is a word that doesn’t get used literally very often so it’s lost its sting but this is literally unbelievable. How do you accept or believe something that just is unbelievable.
We survive the now. Barely. Not because we are strong but because we have no choice. That “time” thing again. It passes. You breathe in and out. Not strong. Not productive. Then the day ends and a new one begins. People say they are proud of us but they aren’t proud. They are just thankful we are still here. They see it differently. They think we are trying to live, trying to engage with life so they are “proud.”
BUT
we aren’t there yet. We are just still trying to survive.
I wonder if you ever get to the point where you feel like you are living again or if it’s just that you shove your grief down deep while you are out. “Fake it till you make it” so it looks like you are something to be proud of but you’re not. You’re just pretending. Being something they want you to be so they can be proud and thankful you are still here.
I will continue to repeat myself so you (hopefully) also continue to write about your grief. Thank you for journaling. Thank you for sharing. I've never resonated with the word "proud" and am uncomfortable with it's use as it relates to a grieving process which lasts a lifetime and is completely out of order. You are enduring because you have to, not because you want to. We are proud of someone when they set a goal for themselves and accomplish it. There is no goal, here. You are right, that others are uncomfortable with how dark and ugly death can be when it's your child that died. I love you Tanna and hear you.
We are glad you are here ❤️