Journal Rant Sept 17

You have no idea. Not even a clue. This is like carrying a chest full of concrete and it’s not getting better. Unless this has happened to you you can’t even fathom how it might feel. It’s easy to talk the talk and post to Facebook. Be in solidarity about a cause. An entire month of it being shoved in our face until a new cause comes up next month. Then the masses are off onto something new. But we are here. Still living this nightmare. Have you had to dust your child’s toothbrush and deodorant on the bathroom counter?  Have you had to turn away from a framed picture of your child because you can’t stand the pain in that moment? Have you had to grab his hat and try to sniff out the smallest trace of his existence?!

I’m trying to keep him here. But the hole is too big! I can’t fill it! He’s the only one can fill it and I can’t get him back!

This life is too hard. I’m focusing on my relationships with Jeremy and the girls. Trying to get those back. Those shouldn’t be different. Ive got a cloud hanging over my head and it follows me every minute in everything I do. I feel like screaming constantly. People say to scream if I feel like screaming. Do you think it helps the children who are dealing with real life trauma to be startled in their home by their mother screaming? Do you think it helps them in their healing process to feel like they’re losing their mother too? My girls lost their brother. That’s bad enough. My husband lost his son. That’s bad enough. Let not add a mother and wife to that list. This life is impossible and unfair.

So post to Facebook this month. Raise awareness. Be supportive of victims and their families. But I guarantee it needs to happen in a lot more place than just Facebook. And in a lot of different ways. And remember the cause outside of September. Remember that we are still living this reality. To you it’s just another month. To us it’s our new fucked up life.